My paternal aunt passed away quickly, and unexpectedly yesterday during a church potluck.

She complained of a headache, began vomiting, and within moments she was gone. I found out later, she experienced a lethal aneurysm called a carotid arterial aneurysm, in which the artery in her neck burst, sending a sudden flood of blood to her brain. Nothing could be done and she went quickly. My mum and dad were with her when she died.

While she was not unwell, she was in recovery, so her death sent a shockwave through the family that each of us still struggles to understand and accept.

I fight anger, resentment, guilt, pain, anxiety, and more than anything grief that I could do nothing, and there’s little I can do for my dad and my mum, for whom my aunt was a great source of joy and love. She was their best friend in the whole world. They traveled together, lived together, emigrated to North America together, grew up together. I miss her. I’m angry at the situation. I resent it all. I’m racked with worry about my family, and tormented with guilt over my anger.

My aunt left behind three children, three grand children, an ex-husband and close friend, a brother (my dad), a bestie (my mum), and several surrogate (chosen) family members like my remaining maternal grandmother, my maternal aunt who was like a sister, and her three daughters (my other first cousins), and a host of church family.

Each of us fights to comprehend the sudden loss in our own way.

In between bouts of crying, turns between melancholy and numbness descend on me. In quiet moments, I reflect on the nature of death and how it’s seen through the lens of ancient civilizations. Maybe this is my way of coping. I hope you’ll bear with me.

Sending love into the universe to light the dark places.

Mae & the rest of the Mags and Q ‘ohana