Aloha, Lovecat, This will be a very personal vlog and article…
I’ve mentioned it before, but I am and can be insanely self-conscious about myself, my body and my outfits, and sometimes down-right insecure about all three. So I thought I’d talk about 1. perception and tell you a bit more about my personality, 2. go bare-faced and in depth about the biggest insecurity of all that I face daily, and 3. show you a little bit more about my Everyday (my workplace and my office).
*Warning: NSFW: contains explicit language*
You may not know that I’ve been a blogging for, like, forever… I started a personal blog back in 2002, which began as a true journal, where I’d write my fiction (I’ve been a writer since childhood, and even went to school for writing–English Bachelor of Science), talk about my relationship, do some creative non-fiction and, of course, the occasional style post. As time went on, I wanted to focus less on talking so openly about my relationship as we progressed and grew into more of a family-unit together, and more on my style posts and fiction. Eventually, it was advised that I focus primarily on style and make a separate style blog just for my fashion-related posts and keep my creative, personal blog private. That was two years ago. Eventually, my journal site writings fell by the way side as my energies on my style blog grew, and the more open, raw, honest and personal side began to diminish.
I know that I don’t always showcase all sides of me on my style blog. Many fashion bloggers have this flawless, gorgeous appearance. They always look amazing, they have perfect photos, great outfits, expensive clothes, the perfect house. They have this well-polished facade–not necessarily fake, but a curated aspect of their world that only showcases one facet of their life, while keeping their personal, IRL personality behind an unspoken screen. Occasionally, they show us their real colors and their personality, but a lot of the time, what we see of them is only what we see in their gorgeous, edited photos.
I have many times tried to infuse my silly personality through my writing, but I never know how it’s received. Some of you actually know how insane, quirky, totally bat-shit weird I am. Some of you know that I have the habits of a yuppie and like to joke that I hate being called it. Some of you know I label every thing in my life in order to ascribe meaning to them and what they mean to me. Some of you know I don’t take myself very seriously. Some of you know that I’m pretty sarcastic and my sense of humor doesn’t make sense to most people. Some of you realize I think I’m a lot funnier than I am truly, and that what I can say in text can translate pretty poorly. Some of you know I live with Chronic Bitch Face and Chronic Bitch Voice, so I can appear or sound condescending, snotty and bitchy, when in my head I’m singing, dancing in the rain and skipping down streets, and cooing at people in a happy voice.
But honestly, until you’ve met me, you don’t really know what I’m like, because only fractions of ME show up on screen. So I challenged myself to open up to you guys a little more and talk about things in my life honestly.
I’m finally now in my Thirties, and it’s taken me a life-long journey of successes, failures, strength and weakness, grief and joy, pain and calm, to understand who I am, what I want in life and how to get there, what it is I love about me, how to address what I don’t love, and grow and mature in the process.
I used to want everyone to love me, like me, understand me. I used to want to get along with everyone and please them. Everyone had to be my friend. When they didn’t, when I got rebuffed, when I got bullied (I was bullied a ton in grade school and junior high), when I was threatened, when people talked sh*t, it f*cking hurt, leaving me heartbroken. It would rend my little world asunder, my head would reel and falter and my heart would plummet into a void for weeks or months. Sometimes, it still feels a little like that when people don’t like me, and yeah, it hurts a little, but after awhile, I’m like Eff-It. I’m more than blessed with amazing family, friends, besties and even readers who are some of the most brilliant, supportive and kind people in the world. But you know? It took lots of alienation, lots of great friendships lost and gained, lots of heartbreak and new love for me to understand that not everyone can appreciate the intensity of my personality, style of communication, friendship and love. A lot of people can be put off by me as a person, and by how intensely and passionately I live my life. But that side doesn’t always communicate through the screen, the silly canned poses and edited pictures, since my blog is probably the one thing I take casually and view as a fun, creative outlet and a type of catharsis from everything else in life.
Anyway, I’m trying to show you my True Face, my Bare Face… so that I’m a bit more real to you as a person, and hopefully as a friend. I speak very plainly in this vlog, and I know that I may get flack or not for even posting it, but if I’m being honest with you (and myself), then it doesn’t matter. I just want to connect with ONE PERSON over everything I’m saying, however scattered, however nonsensical I may sound right now, and maybe make another true friend from it. (Note: Some of the best friendships I’ve had and have in my life, have been made through blogging connections, and I am so lucky for that. Bloggers are a tribe.)
None of us are perfect, we all have SOMETHING we want to change about ourselves, and maybe by being real about it and talking about it and addressing it, we can grow and mature from it and maybe even change it for the better. And when you learn to live to make yourself happy and make yourself a better person, and not live for other people and what they think of you, your entire life changes and makes the world in which YOU live a better place.
Okay…. that was all off the cuff, just letting my brain go, brain-farting as it so often does, so I don’t know if you follow any of this scattered mess. I just wanted to be more real and give you more about me. I want to get back to the open, more real stuff I used to write about. I used to find such joy in writing. I won’t go into the details I used to–after all, SOMETHING has to be kept private–and I may or may not post fiction here, but this blog is more to me now than just my over-the-top fashion. For one thing, I live on a budget and I can’t afford to shop all the time. And for another, I’m too busy to photograph my outfits everyday, anyway. When I’m not thinking about blogging (which is often), I’d rather just be living and enjoying the Heaven on Earth I’m so lucky to live in, and hopefully taking some of you along for the ride.
… um. So yeah.
Thank you for listening. Thank you for watching.
Me ke aloha ~ With love + aloha,